I am afraid by Deepa Awal

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I am afraid.

My body shrinks, I become small, I become invisible.

It feels safe to hide from the world – the one out there, the one that is ‘other’ than me.

Or if I cannot hide, I make my voice small, the words hardly audible, expressing the half-truth or the outright lie.

I am afraid.

My heart sinks and wants to hide. Love is replaced by sadness, anger, fear. I withdraw or I get mad. Sometimes I feel like throwing things around. And if I am fearful enough, I hide or I run.

When I run, I am running from my fear – afraid that if I confront it, I will die! I believe that wholeheartedly.

And sometimes I feel I cannot survive if I don’t confront it!

That is when I join the demonstration …

When that little glimmer of light/awareness opens the door to another action or another point of view, it is like the door cracks open. It is hard to go through that crack. I still believe my story, but I also see how I am hiding from the fullness of it … my story is but a partial truth.

Sometimes I cannot walk away from that crack in the door and I dare to walk through it. The fear is even more palpable now, but I take the next step and the next. These steps are more congruent with my feelings and who I am … the next and the next …

I survive insurmountable obstacles – just survive, barely conscious of what I am surviving.

There is grace when it is too much – a friend, a stranger, a mother, a brother – it feels like a light touch has supported my back.

The process of living towards fearlessness is not a destination; it is a path I walk forever. The process is predictable: it begins with the soul speaking to me through my body, my emotions; I question, I search, I yearn; I see a crack in the doorway that has never been opened; I listen, I feel, I act; I am suddenly in the vast intractable land of the unknown – more afraid than I have ever been; I take the next step and only the next; a Divine grace carries me over the insurmountable tract marking the beginning of an arrival that is but a new beginning.

Articles by: Deepa Awal

Dr. Deepa Awal is an educator and coach with her own practice specializing in discerning the fundamental ways in which our ‘way of being’ supports or hinders our dreams and goals. What began as an interest in Vedanta and personal growth has grown into what is now her contribution in the world - transformational work with individuals and groups. Starting her career in the corporate world with developing executives, Deepa now has her own practice specializing in coaching women and leaders with cross cultural backgrounds. Her personal experience as an immigrant from India informs her coaching with
cross-cultural coaching clients. She speaks fluent English and Hindi, lives in Philadelphia and has two adult daughters. She teaches meditation practices, yoga, centering skills and coaches graduate students at Universities to develop leadership skills and build self-confidence. As an educator, she instructs and mentors professionals who desire to develop coaching skills both at Fielding University (Faculty) and Newfield Network (Program Coach).
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