I am afraid.
My body shrinks, I become small, I become invisible.
It feels safe to hide from the world – the one out there, the one that is ‘other’ than me.
Or if I cannot hide, I make my voice small, the words hardly audible, expressing the half-truth or the outright lie.
I am afraid.
My heart sinks and wants to hide. Love is replaced by sadness, anger, fear. I withdraw or I get mad. Sometimes I feel like throwing things around. And if I am fearful enough, I hide or I run.
When I run, I am running from my fear – afraid that if I confront it, I will die! I believe that wholeheartedly.
And sometimes I feel I cannot survive if I don’t confront it!
That is when I join the demonstration …
When that little glimmer of light/awareness opens the door to another action or another point of view, it is like the door cracks open. It is hard to go through that crack. I still believe my story, but I also see how I am hiding from the fullness of it … my story is but a partial truth.
Sometimes I cannot walk away from that crack in the door and I dare to walk through it. The fear is even more palpable now, but I take the next step and the next. These steps are more congruent with my feelings and who I am … the next and the next …
I survive insurmountable obstacles – just survive, barely conscious of what I am surviving.
There is grace when it is too much – a friend, a stranger, a mother, a brother – it feels like a light touch has supported my back.
The process of living towards fearlessness is not a destination; it is a path I walk forever. The process is predictable: it begins with the soul speaking to me through my body, my emotions; I question, I search, I yearn; I see a crack in the doorway that has never been opened; I listen, I feel, I act; I am suddenly in the vast intractable land of the unknown – more afraid than I have ever been; I take the next step and only the next; a Divine grace carries me over the insurmountable tract marking the beginning of an arrival that is but a new beginning.